


we can be a little happier

by littleheavens



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Canon Universe, Character Study, Friends to Lovers, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-05
Updated: 2016-06-07
Packaged: 2018-07-12 12:31:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7103476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littleheavens/pseuds/littleheavens
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lee Taeyong learns about life, friendship, and love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. your dreams are by my side

**Author's Note:**

> oh god. so this is it, and this is how i break my two year (going on three) writer's block. i've decided to post this in two parts so i have something to encourage me to actually finish this. i'm apologising beforehand for any mistakes made or whatever else there is to complain about, i'll overlook this in a bit when i put up the second part! for now, enjoy!

Taeyong enters the company some year, some day, for some reason.

Details don’t matter. They really don’t.

He’s nervous, his sleek black hair tousled by the wind, sweat running down his back. He remembers the man, the business card, and that _dumb fucking question_. “ _KBS, SBS, or MBC?_ ”

No. This is SM Entertainment. He breathes in.

The doors slide open. A man in a suit steps out.

He breathes out.

_You must be Lee Taeyong. Thank you for coming. Please follow me, the audition will begin soon._

 

___

 

He gets accepted. Not that he’s _that_ talented, he thinks. But he gets in regardless. They’re going to see what they can do for him. They said he has _potential_ , whatever that means.

He meets Jaehyun some year, some day, for some _reason_. That’s what he believes, at least. That’s what the company tells him. Details start to matter, but time blurs into one big, homogenous being either way.

He’s a singer. Taeyong…isn’t.

His handshake is firm, a wide smile plastered on his face. Taeyong awkwardly nods back. Jaehyun’s hair is a bit curly, and Taeyong thinks it matches his personality somehow. Not that he knows him, it’s just a feeling he has.

Jaehyun’s real name is Yoonoh. Jung Yoo-noh, but everyone calls him Jaehyun. Taeyong doesn’t ask why that is. Jaehyun doesn’t bother explaining, either. He’s born in 1997. Valentine’s Day. Which makes Taeyong a lot less lovely and a lot older.

( — _Two years isn’t a lot, hyung._

 _— Shut up, you’ll see._ )

There’s a lot of things Taeyong learns about Jaehyun. He lived in America for four years, plays basketball, and is probably the kindest trainee in the company. _Probably_ , because he’s thinking of Johnny and Taeil as well. But Jaehyun just… he just is. He _is._ Period.

Jaehyun is also clingy. Taeyong learns this as the days get shorter and the nights get darker, and Jaehyun gets sadder, sometimes. It’s not a bad thing — Taeyong welcomes his warmth like a breeze on a summer day. He feels it sneak into his bones, his lungs, his damn _heart_. It’s not so bad. It’s not bad at all.

Taeyong finds himself thinking about Jaehyun, as he sees trainees come and go. The thing is that he doesn’t have time to think, not about Jaehyun, not about anyone. It happens, though, momentarily until someone or something reminds him they’re all here for a _reason_ (it’s called a debut, a big and scary word), and every day should be a battle for a spot in the up and coming boy group.

 _There’s no time for friendships here_ , a trainer says, and Taeyong closes his eyes and memorizes yet another choreography they’ll never perform.

 

___

 

He makes friends either way. It happens unconsciously, he guesses, maybe they were just curious.

The company explain their concept some year, some day when it’s raining. It’s a detail that shouldn’t matter, but Taeyong feels the cold seep into his clothes. His skin is dry despite the humid weather. It affects his mood. He must look gloomier than usual. There’s about ten trainees in the room besides him, now, and he knows all of them. He refuses to believe they’ll debut together, but he _really_ wants to.

His friend Johnny — His _Friend_ Johnny — looks at him and smiles reassuringly. He spoke to Taeyong a lot the past few months, but Johnny speaks to everyone. He told Taeyong it was okay to have friends, that it’s important for the group dynamics later on. He told Taeyong about the past seven years, says it hurts because it’s _supposed_ to hurt. Hansol had sat down next to them, told them his story — Busan dialect strong and audible. They were Taeyong’s first friends in the company, he thinks.

He looks at Jaehyun at the other side of the room.

_Wrong._

He looks at the others around him. Hansol, Yuta, Taeil, Ten. Even the younger boys who entered pretty recently. They’re his _friends_. He tells himself this as he remembers the first time Yuta patted the empty spot on couch next to him, telling Taeyong with a tired smile to come play. The others had nodded.

Someone in a suit enters, announcing they’ll begin soon. They’re just waiting for the girls to come as well. They should all sit down and get comfy.

It’s not a suggestion.

Jaehyun scoots over to him as Taeyong goes to take a seat in one of the chairs that looks way too luxurious for them. “You nervous?” he asks Taeyong, even though it sounds more like a statement. He caresses the other’s hand quickly before sitting down next to him. He smiles, as always.

Before Taeyong gets to say anything, the doors open, and the quiet murmuring in the room comes to a halt. About eight of the girl trainees enter the room, hurrying to find a seat. Taeyong only knows a few of them. He spots Seulgi among them, who finds his eyes and gives him a curt wave.

“ _Now_ ,” the man in the suit starts, “ _good afternoon. Let’s introduce you all to the concept of SMROOKIES.”_

 

___

 

The girls are set to debut first. A debut for the summer of 2014. Taeyong is happy for them, especially when Seulgi and Joohyun’s names get called. The other two girls, Seungwan and Sooyoung are being called as well, and Taeyong is content for them despite their lack of closeness.

The SM 2014 Rookie Boys launches with Taeyong. They upload a video of him rapping. It’s not _just_ a video, just like it’s not _just_ SM Entertainment. The filming takes a good day, about 14 constructive hours for a teaser, and Taeyong is exhausted.

He already feels the burden on his shoulders.

The video drops in July, and the members gather around to watch it. Jaehyun smiles fondly at him, and Taeyong’s heart skips a beat.

 _Not like that_. Certainly not.

The next one gets announced about two days later. Taeyong, Hansol, and Johnny go into the meeting room, get told about the concept for the next teaser, and spend the next three days memorising the choreography.

Time starts passing quicker and quicker, and Taeyong stops sleeping. He’d be a liar if he said he didn’t read the comments about SM’s first promising rapper, about how excited they are for his debut.

He’d be a liar if he said it didn’t weigh on him.

Jaehyun tiptoes around him as if he might break. Taeyong thinks it’s keeping him alive, instead.

 

___

 

The end of Autumn rolls around. The 2014 rookies are about to become the 2015 ones in a few months. There isn’t a debut date announced yet, so Taeyong just hopes for the best.

Taeyong looks back on an eventful year, to say at the least. He’s getting a little lost, between the days and the weeks, but in this moment he’s sitting at a big table eating something Jaehyun helped the staff cook for them.

“Yo, _TY Track_!” Yuta snaps his fingers at him, and giggles when Taeyong frowns at his train of thought being interrupted. He thinks about his feature on the Red Velvet song and how none of the others will ever let him live it down.

Johnny cackles, pointing his chopsticks towards Jaehyun who looks beet read out of secondhand embarrassment, “Tell your boyfriend to stop frowning at us whenever we mention it, Jaehyunnie~”

Jaehyun sputters, and Taeyong suddenly forgets how to breathe. “He’s not my boyfriend! God, Youngho! _I'm not even nineteen for God's sake_!” He curses in English, and Johnny laughs even harder. "I wasn't implying anything rated!" He says, putting his hands up, "Just making a few observations!"

Taeyong, still trying to find his breath, thinks Jaehyun’s going to explode with how red he is.

It happens unconsciously, but suddenly Taeyong thinks he _could be Jaehyun's boyfriend_ , in a way. He tries shaking the thought off as quickly as it came, but his feelings already caught up. He’s blushing, he knows it. The soju bottle is within reach, and Taeyong gulps from it like his life depends on it.

( He thinks it kind of does )

“Calm down, big boy,” Johnny chuckles, eyeing Taeyong suspiciously whilst Yuta and Ten are still teasing Jaehyun for his face.

Taeyong shrugs. Johnny looks at Jaehyun for a second and then back to Taeyong, then he winks.

He takes another gulp from his drink.

 

___

 

The end of 2014 promises him that 2015 is going to be a hard year.

Taeyong gets into trouble for some things he’s done in the past. He’d been regretful, always keeping it in the back of his head because he somehow should’ve known this would resurface.

He had told the members he’d been a trouble maker, one one of the many occasions they spent the night in, huddled in blankets, all too tired to move. He never specified, and now he’s scared he won’t have to.

The article comes out , he _knows_ it did, because he checks his phone during a break and it’s been blowing up. Taeyong heads from practice straight into his room. He’s _scared._ Frankly, he’s terrified. He hears Hansol knock at the door, saying they have dinner ready. Taeyong is starving. He says he’s not hungry.

By the time night falls, Taeyong managed to doze off for a few hours. Nobody has come to see him yet, but he heard the manager explain what happened. The dorm is dead quiet. He doesn’t know what to do.

Suddenly, a knock at the door. It’s Taeil. Unlike Johnny, he doesn’t wait for Taeyong’s permission (which he _didn’t_ give) to enter. He’s holding a plate, raising it a bit with a nod when Taeyong turns around to look at him.

“Leftovers.”

Taeyong breathes. He might cry. “ _Yeah_ ,” is all he manages.

Taeil. His friend. He’s not sure what verb to place between those words anymore.

The others peek into the dark room too. Jaehyun, Mark, Hansol, Yuta, Johnny, Ten, even _Doyoung_. All these people he spent years with and suddenly doesn’t know what to feel about.

“ _Do I have to leave? Do I have to stop being a trainee? Am I the next one to go?_ ” Taeyong’s whispers are loud in the silence, and after a few moments, it’s Jaehyun who takes a step forward.

“Don’t be ridiculous, eat up,” he says, and he pushes Taeil forward with the plate, almost causing him to trip over his own feet.

Taeyong looks at the boys. “You’re not mad?”

Hansol shrugs. “You know, all of us make mistakes. Yours were just a bit more severe.”

“And we _know_ you, Taeyong. You neat freak, bossing us around being scared of making the same mistakes you did. We just know a little bit more. We know you, _all the people talking shit about you_ _don’t_ ,” Doyoung adds, and Taeyong closes his eyes at the sudden strong words.  

He sighs. “I don’t want to bring you guys down,” he says, to which Yuta, _ever-smiling Yuta_ , rolls his eyes.  “You don’t and you won’t. Taeyong, you’ve been carrying all the shit of the past year yourself so let us at least support you. You’re our _friend_ , remember.”

Friend. You are. _Present tense._ Yuta’s right.

He’s overwhelmed suddenly, and Taeyong isn’t a crier, but _God,_ he want’s to cry.

The rest of the conversation is a blur — the details don’t matter. Taeyong has to promise them to not read comments online, even though they all know he’ll break it. Ten asks him if he’s coming to practice tomorrow, and Taeyong says yes in the hopes that he actually will.

By the end of the night, the guys head back to their respective rooms. Doyoung is taking a shower, and him and Jaehyun are alone.

“Shouldn’t you go to sleep?” Taeyong asks, but Jaehyun just scoots closer to him. He grabs Taeyong’s hand and plays with his fingers. Taeyong feels his heart beating in his throat.

“It’s going to be okay, you know,” Jaehyun just says, not answering the question, “You have us. You have _me_.”

Taeyong nods and closes his eyes, suddenly realizing how tired he is.

“ _You have me, too, Jaehyunnie_.”

He’s not entirely sure how exactly he means that yet.


	2. your whole heart is by my side

Taeyong learns two things over the course of the winter. The exact dates don’t really matter, they’re just details.

The first thing is that Jaehyun wasn’t lying. The second thing is that it doesn’t really makes things easier, though.

He’s not scared to go out, as long as there’s someone beside him. He broke his promise to not read online comments within the first three days, and it made him sad enough to get physically sick too.

But Jaehyun, _Jaehyun_. Jaehyun always hugs him a little bit tighter on tough days. Days where the rain falls particularly hard and days where Taeyong would rather go back in time and fix everything.

His heart bleeds for him. It beats for him. It beats and bleeds for all of them.

2015 is the year the company introduces Taeil and Doyoung to the public, finally. Doyoung, with his bunny teeth and loud laugh, and Taeil, who’s just... _Taeil_. Taeil who is nervous and sweet and kind of like Taeyong’s best friend, in another way Jaehyun is. 2015 is the year all of them feel more and more pressure getting loaded onto their shoulders. They cling to each other, get closer to each other.

Taeyong feels like he’s going to break.

He’s there when Yerim leaves the rookies and officially joins Red Velvet, out of the public eye at first, and he makes a _fighting!_ gesture as she passes him by at the company one day. Wendy winks at him, saying she’s excited for his debut. Taeyong shrugs, but politely thanks her either way.

They film Bassbot, another teaser, late February. Taeyong wishes it wasn’t so damn _cold_ , but the six of them huddle together under the big blankets they give them between breaks. He sees Jaehyun squint when Ten crawls under the blanket with him and nuzzles his neck. Taeyong doesn’t mind, he needs the warmth. And besides, Jaehyun isn’t the only clingy one.

 _We’re not even dating or anything_ , Taeyong thinks, and he feels his cheeks reddening at the thought of it. Ten looks up at him and giggles, “Seems like you’re warm enough thinking about someone else.”

“ _Shut up, Ten_.”

 

___

 

They’re set to perform at more SMTown concerts this year — five more, to be exact — and Taeyong feels like he’s going to combust. He’s more nervous than ever, doubting if after everything people will still even _look_ at him. It’s been months, but nobody ever lets it go.

“ _TY, Earth to TY!_ ” Yuta waves his hand in front of Taeyong’s face as he stares straight ahead of him.

“What is it, _Yuta_?” Taeyong finds himself snapping, and immediately apologising after. “Sorry, I, yeah. I’m sorry. What’s up?”

Yuta pulls him into a hug, suddenly. “It’s fine, it’s fine~” he says, “I was just asking if you wanted anything. Hansol and I are tackling the catering.”

He thinks about it for a second. He’d rather take a nap, to be honest, but he can’t. He considers asking them to bring in something smal, but in the end he decides against it. He just shrugs, “Nah _,_ it’s fine!” he says before adding, “ _Don’t_ take too long, yeah? We have to perform soon, I don’t want you to get a stomach ache.”

Hansol nods, but Yuta’s already pulling him back by his wrist. They disappear out of the waiting room.

Jaehyun seems to materialize out of nowhere, and plops down next to Taeyong. “You’d be a good leader for them.”

Taeyong’s stomach turns awfully at the word _leader_ , and he closes is eyes. Not responding, he leans against Jaehyun on the chair, who happily seems to welcome the contant. “You’re tired, right?”

Taeyong looks at his friend and shrugs. “I haven’t been sleeping well, that’s all.”

A nod, and suddenly Jaehyun’s holding his hand. He does this a lot these days, when he’s nervous. “Please rest a lot tonight,” he says sweetly, as he and Taeyong are both focused on their intertwined hands. Taeyong raises his head to look at Jaehyun, then, and Jaehyn looks right back. Their faces are too close, then, but Johnny suddenly drops his water bottle on accident and splashes water everywhere, so neither of them really get to _realize_ what was about to happen until later.

The moment passes, and Taeyong doesn’t have time to think about it until he’s lying in bed that night and looking at the ceiling. He falls asleep thinking about soft hands and softer kisses.

 

___

 

Once the tour is over, things happen faster than he expects them to. _Faster than he wants them to_. July passes, and they film the dance practice, and Taeyong collapses from fatigue and almost has to go to the hospital for treatment. It’s not severe, he reassures them, but he just has to rest. Jaehyun hugs him as he’s resting on the couch and they fall asleep in each other’s arms.

They don’t talk about it afterwards, none of them do. The members fall asleep together all the time — in the van, during the small breaks they get at practice, backstage in the SMTown waiting rooms. But this was differen’t, since something’s obviously changed that night. Taeyong just doesn’t talk about if with anyone, _especially_ not Jaehyun. Taeyong actually stops talking about _anything_ feelings related.

Nobody has to know about him carrying all that weight. The words _visual_ and _leader_ and _Jaehyun_ (more than ever) and _scamyong_ and _debut_ keep him awake at night. He keeps it all locked inside a small room in the back of his mind.

The members must notice something, though. They know each other too well for it. It’s in how Jaehyun starts holding his hand more often than the other members’. How Doyoung looks at him with 50% less murder eyes. How Ten’s tired eyes linger on him a bit longer when he lets himself fall to the floor after a long day of practicing. How Taeil and Yuta sometimes make decisions for him.

Chuseok rolls around again, and before he knows it it’s nearing Christmas again. Time goes too fast, and Taeyong has no idea where to go or what to do. He’s grumpier, more stressed, bulk buys air refreshener because the dorm fucking _reeks_ like sweat all the time. He feels like the world is turning twice as fast as usual, and Taeyong still doesn’t _sleep_ a lot. Not even on the couch anymore, and especially not with Jaehyun.

Sicheng, also known as WinWin, and Kun, two kids from China, officially join the SMrookies. ( _They’re literally our age! — Can you stop? It’s affectionate. — My ass is affectionate, Taeyong.)_ Taeyong welcomes them with a sense of warmth he’d been missing. They both lack in Korean, but they try as much they can. Yuta pulls out his best Chinese, messing up the tones sometimes, to make conversation. It becomes nice, _refreshing_ , to be with the fifteen of them together now.

Jaehyun is still at the back of his mind, _a lot_ , and his stomach does something when he sees him glance at Doyoung multiple times on a certain evening.

Taeyong closes his eyes. He’s not even sure what day it is, most days. He wishes he could care about details, but the details don’t seem to exist.

Debut is nearing. He knows it is. They all do. They celebrate their last Christmas as trainees with a meal him and Jaehyun cooked together, because nearly nobody else in the dorm can make more than instant noodles or an omelette. There’s a few bottles of soju, except for the younger kids who just get soda for this one opportunity. Taeyong takes a drink and thinks about the imminent future, the members, the fans.

And the company’s CEO, who Taeyong has only met once or twice, announces their debut on a cold day in January. Taeyong barely registers it all, hearing the blood run through his ears.

They’ll be debuting as NCT. Neo Culture Technology. The words “infinite amount of members and units” sting at Taeyong’s eyes, because he’s happy with the guys now. But he also knows there’s a time of coming and going. He just hopes his time hasn’t come yet.

From there on out, practice becomes twice as hard, and the first unit group gets announced. NCT U, the managers say, will consist of Taeyong, Taeil, Doyoung, Ten, Mark, Jaehyun.

Taeyong is announced the leader. He glances at Jaehyun, and he knows. Afterwards, in the van back home, Jaehyun caresses his hand and brushes the hair out of his face as Taeyong pretends to have fallen asleep.

That night, he hears Johnny cry for one of the first times since they became friends. Taeyong holds him tightly. “This unit isn’t forever, you know. _You’re meant for greater things, Youngho,”_ is all Taeyong can say, and he means it.

“I wanted to be with you guys for this debut, you know. Me, you, Doyoung, Jaehyun, Yuta, Hansol, Taeil. _Us_ , ya _know_? I don’t know why I thought they’d debut Mark with the other mini rookies, and us together.”  

Taeyong worries his lip. “ _Yah_...”

“We’re still gonna be together, though. We’re still best friends,” Ten says, and he envelopes Johnny into a hug, pushing him down into the bed. He starts tickling him, “And either way, I’m still gonna bother the shit out of you.”

They all laugh at that. Taeyong wouldn’t want to have it any other way.

 

___

 

Performances in Bangkok. More training. Less sleeping. Days, weeks, and months stop being different things altogether.

Taeyong loves Thailand, loves the _newness_ of it all. He loves meeting Ten’s teachers, loves the stories they tell about him. He loves the Thai fans, the food ( _except the spicy dishes_ ), and being with the boys somewhere else than a pracitce room.

He loves it so much, he doesn’t even mind rooming with Doyoung’s in a different country, too, despite him telling horror stories before bed. In the end, he asks Taeyong if he doesn’t want to room with Jaehyun instead. Taeyong asks him why although they both know he knows.

 _“Stop dancing around each other, Tae_ ,” Doyoung deadpans as he turns around and falls asleep.

Taeyong doesn’t do it often. He thinks a lot about things, especially things that start with _Jung_ and end with _Jaehyun_ , but never does anything. Until he wakes up the next morning, after having been awake thinking for another hour after Doyoung went to sleep.

After breakfast, they have a schedule almost immediately. Taeyong sees Jaehyun climb into the back of the van, like he did yesterday, and he sees Johnny about to climb in too but scurries past him quickly so he can take the seat in the middle. Johnny whistles lowly, in a way only Taeyong can hear.

“ _I was gonna take the front seat but I’m being nice_ ,” Taeyong beams at not only one, but all three cameras. When he leans to Jaehyun’s side, he rests his hand on the other’s knee, and hears him hitch in a breath, but laugh after.

Taeyong keeps his hand there, until he feels Jaehyun lie his hand on top of Taeyong’s. Before he can even think about anything else, Taeyong turns his hand around on Jaehyun’s knee and intertwines their fingers. It’s the _same_ as always, but suddenly it feels so different.

He thought a lot about. Yeah, maybe he should stop dancing around Jaehyun. He knows Jaehyun likes him, and the boys obviously know too. But sometimes, Taeyong gets so _scared_ , so extremely terrified for things to end before they even start.

He’s thankful the cameras don’t focus on the slight shake of Taeyong’s hand in Jaehyun’s. He’s thankful Jaehyun doesn’t say anything about it, either.

The day passes in a blur. Taeyong has fun at the talk shows, he knows he does, and he finally kind starts to relax even with the cameras on him. But what stands out to him most, besides Doyoung’s failed _Vroom Vroom Talkshow_ , is Jaehyun’s hand in his the moment they enter the van again.

 

___

 

They never say anything about it, about how much they’ve been… doing _that_ . No details. Not in the waiting room for their debut stage, or when they take the elevator together, or in the van. There’s more tension between them, more than has _ever_ been in all those years, but it’s a good kind. It’s a kind that keeps Taeyong awake, one that keeps him on edge enough to perform his best.

Debut passes by as quickly as it came. The stylists dye Taeyong’s hair a weird combination shade of purple and silver, and Ten has a laughing fit for a good hour. Turns out he last laugh is for Taeyong, when Ten falls asleep and pretty much loses half of his hair.

Taeyong grins.

They don’t really have time for things like feelings, life goes on. Stage after stage. One show after the other. But they film NCT Life: Seoul before debut, because fans love variety. Taeyong knows this by now, and he can’t say he minds.

It’s six of them. Winwin, Taeyong, Yuta, Kun, Jaehyun, Doyoung.

They sit down to watch it together after it airs, all fifteen of the members huddled in a room with blankets. The company allowed them to watch it together, despite their different schedules and graduation coming up.

Jaehyun is next to him, smiling at something Kun commented, absentmindedly playing with Taeyong’s fingers under the blankets.

Taeyong watches the screen, but he hears his heart beating in his ears as he remembers.

They weren’t even on the same team. Not like that.

But when they went to sleep that night, all six of them in two separate rooms, they talked for a long time. Jaehyun sleepily made a joke about how weird it is for guys to sleep under the same blanket. Hansol barks a laugh from the couch, where he’s tucking the blankets over Yuta and him. Jaemin rolls his eyes and Taeyong follows suit despite his wandering mind.

“ _Ya!_ I can hear everything, so be quiet.”

Giggles enuse. The Taeyong on screen closes the door separating the two rooms. Taeyong in real life wishes he could change the door to _the thoughts_ he's having.

“ _It would be nice if Taeil came_ ,” Jaehyun sighed a little later and they all hum and agree, but Taeyong remembers kind of feeling jealous. He _agreed_ , though, but that didn’t mean Jaehyun had to know.

“Don’t cry, hyung~” Mark jokes, recalling the videos messages from Bangkok. Taeil kicks his legs into Mark’s direction, but his eyes are glistering.

They watch silently as Winwin tells them about the day, what he loved most and whatnot. They watch how Kun does the same. The rest of the members aren't that close to the China line yet, but it's coming. They're glad.

Taeyong holds his breath, then, because he knows what’s coming after this, and judging from how Jaehyun stops playing with his fingers and focuses on the screen, he recalls too.

At some point — Taeyong can’t tell the details really, he’s beyond paying attention — Doyoung or someone said something ridiculous and Taeyong burst into the room, a fit of giggles overtaking him. He momentarily forgot the cameras were still rolling when he tickled Doyoung, who quickly pushed him over to Kun. Taeyongs rolled over until he was on top of Jaehyun, and all of a sudden…

Taeyong swallows. Closing his eyes, he lets go of Jaehyun’s hand, because he _knows_ the rest are sparing glances at them.

“ _Don’t, the cameras are rolling!_ ” TV-Jaehyun says shyly, and Taeyong’s heart stops all over again.

He remembers. Remembers looking Jaehyun into the eyes then, and thinking _God, I want to kiss him for real_ for the first time.

Johnny and Yuta make cheering sounds behind them, and Taeyong knows Jaehyun is blushing as much as he is. But Taeyong can’t do it, _now now,_ so keeps his eyes fixed on the screen, instead.

 

___

 

When they’re ready to go to bed that day, exhaustion too firm to be washed away by the showers, Taeyong overhears Jaehyun talking to Doyoung. If he minds rooming with Mark tonight. If it’s okay for them to switch rooms, _just once, if that’s enough_.

Doyoung seems to understand. Taeyong vaguely thinks he does, but the question is _why_.

( He thinks he knows. He’s just not sure. He’s scared. )

He finds out the moment the manager tells them they should sleep, and everyone happily obliges to call it a day and take a rest. Winwin thanks them for the past few days, for letting them watch NCT Life together, broken Korean and nervous hand gestures included. Taeyong beams despite his exhaustion. He bows at him, and bids him goodnight.

“He really admires you, you know,” Jaehyun says when Taeyong walks back into his bedroom.

Taeyong shrugs. “He’s a good kid,” he responds, before crawling into bed. He doesn’t ask why Jaehyun is in his room, in the bed where Doyoung should be. He figures Jaehyun will tell him, or do something if Taeyong doesn’t make the first move.

He waits.

His eyes are closing slowly.

“Taeyong,” Jaehyun’s voice, sleepy albeit awake, withholds something Taeyong can’t analyze despite them having been somehow closest since day one.

Taeyong turns around, suddenly wide awake again, and sees Jaehyun is facing away from him. “You should come here, like you did then.”

Then, he understands. He chuckles, and he’s glad it’s too dark to see the blush creeping up on his face. He clears his throat, before whispering, “My bed is comfier, though. I came to you then, don’t you think it’s time for you to return the favor?”

He sees Jaehyun’s shoulders tense, before relaxing. “I wasn’t sure.”

“Well, now you are, aren’t you?”

Taeyong innerly tells his heartbeat to slow down, but Jaehyun is crawling under the covers and wrapping his arms around Taeyong hesitantly.

The silence isn’t as deafening as he expected it to be, but he breaks it anyways. “ _I like it when you hold my hand._ ”

A giggle. “We hold hands all the time, Tae.”

Taeyong buries his face into Jaehyun’s chest. “Yeah.”

A kiss on the forehead. “I know.”

Words aren’t even that necessary between them. Taeyong realizes this when Jaehyun finds Taeyong’s hand in the dark, caresses the back of it with his thumb, and sighs contentedly.

He thinks about when Jaehyun first held him, when he first held Jaehyun — not like this, _never like this,_ not even last year when Taeyong fell asleep in his arms on the couch. The past, the present, the future all merging together. He realizes that really, it doesn’t matter, not right now when he gets to have Jaehyun like this.

“I’m scared,” he confesses, then. It’s out before he knows it, and Jaehyun is looking at him with dark eyes. “I’m scared, Jaehyunnie. I’m sorry I kept you waiting this long.”

Jaehyun holds him a bit tighter. “I know, Tae. I know you were. I’d wait as long as you need.”

Taeyong kisses Jaehyun first. It happens some year, some day, for some reason. In the dark of the dorm, snuggled under the blankets, while Jaehyun squeezes Taeyong’s hand and melts into him.

Because he _likes_ Jaehyun, he knows that, and he knows Jaehyun likes him. They don’t need to say it out loud, not right now. They might have talk about this later, though, even though the answers are laid out right in front of them. 

 

___

 

Taeyong feels the subtle change in his bones when Jaehyun falls asleep, face nuzzled in the crook of Taeyong’s neck. He feels it in his chest, his heartbeat, in every fibre of his being. He thinks about the beginning, the middle, the end. He thinks about what will happen next.

And he thinks he already knows.

In the morning he’ll go up on stage, and he’ll perform like any other day. But he’ll get to hold Jaehyun’s hand after that in a way they never have before, when they’ve settled in the van driving them to the next adventure, and it will mean an entirely different thing. The other boys will have figured by then probably, because the only people who know Taeyong better than himself are the friends he spends all day every day with. He tries not to worry about what might come after, about what the future might hold.

He’s still scared. He’s so scared of _losing everything_ , but then Jaehyun shifts in Taeyong’s arms and smiles in his sleep.

_I’m waiting for someone who will walk with me even though I’m slow._

He presses a kiss into Jaehyun’s slightly curly hair, and closes his eyes then, letting his exhaustion drag him into sleep. He’s content, letting himself ponder on the reality that he’ll wake up to someone who loves him, someone who will take the walk with him, has been doing it all this time.

That’s all that matters for now.

They’ll be okay, he realizes.

They’ll sort it out. They have time.

The details don’t matter yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sometimes i just get in these moods and write about five hundred words and turn out liking it. i never really expected this to turn out into a 5K fic consisting of two chapters, but i'm really glad it did. thank you to everyone who took the time to read this, i mean it.  
> it's my first finished work in like, a really long time, so once again i apologise for any mistakes made. there's obviously parts of Taeyong's personality, mostly, i want to flesh out more. Qualities like his leadership and dealing with stage image vs the "real" him. Maybe another time. ;D  
> i might be writing more after my finals (had my first one today, actually), and i have some ideas ready.  
> if you have anything to say, comments to offer, anything at all, you can comment here. i'm also available on twitter (@mijoo even though it's deactivated for time being, i'll be back) and on tumblr (jangsdongwoo).  
> title, chapter titles, and the little bit of lyrics i've used are all lyrics from the bible, aka nct-without_you.mp3  
> thank you to sorch for being supportive as always and to tlist who made me want to break my comfort zone and start writing again. anyways it's not that deep. 
> 
> have a good day, everyone! and remember that, as my friend Rawan would say, maybe the real TY track is the friends Taeyong made along the way.


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